Sober Thoughts

As a small, select group of people know, I've had one of my top three most disappointing, tragic birthdays ever due to an unexpected but not entirely surprising event that happened the night before.  It has been hard and wearing.  I'm very, very tired as pain comes and goes in different ways.  Despite doing my best not to think, I have been doing a great deal of contemplation.  Part of it was prompted by soothing myself with watching a variety of silly things, beginning with The Muppet Movie.  The funny thing about the absurdity of the Muppet antics, is that there really are so many messages so perfectly poignant, so tender for the heart to hear.  The famous opener, "Rainbow Connection," touched me in a new way.  I've emphasized the parts that stuck out to me this time:

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me. 

Dealing now with my own disappointment, what it means now and potentially for the future; as well as considering my hopes for life to come, I find there is much to be learned from the past to better possibilities and renew desire.  Nothing earth shattering as far as philosophy goes, but an important reminder of self during times of feeling lost and hurt.  My father has recently been quoting 1 Thessalonians 5: 18, "In every thing give thanks," that all things are for one's good.  Tragedy can be a time for growth.  It requires not only willingness to look for the positive, but the freedom to do so, I find.  Environmental circumstance does play an important role for healing and insight.  I have been lucky in that my family has been supportive in all the ways I need, and that those I work with have been flexible and great in empathy, allowing me the time I need to recover.  It's a rare gift.  I am so grateful, knowing full well that this not true for all in such circumstances.  The world at large is more often cold and hard than not.  Thus it is such a balm for the soul whenever human kindness presents itself.

I find myself in a new found preparatory period with as fierce a determination as Scarlet O'Hara, from Gone With the Wind.  When all her fine world has crumbled around her, and she is nearly alone, struggling to survive and keep dear ones and herself from dying of starvation and worse fates, she proclaims,

As God as my witness....as God as my witness they're
not going to lick me. I'm going to live through this
and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again.

I have my own similar creed now.  I am determined to make this tragedy the beginning of a personal triumph.  I'm going to turn wishes into actions, dreams into reality.  I'm going to have it the way I want, nothing lacking or out of place, so that next time will be perfect, as there WILL be a next time.  I will be prepared, without stress or impediment.  And it will go well and have a happily ever after ending because I made it so.  With the guidance and assistance of a loving Heavenly Father and the ceaseless support and love of my dear husband, parents, other family members and friends, all will be well.  I will never suffer this pain again.